Our economy, once a giant toe of the global economic footprint, has obviously taken a turn for the worst in the past couple of years. With more and more homes being foreclosed and more and more Americans being forced to live in tent cities or shanty towns due to those foreclosures, I figured I’d provide a heads up on some serious camping gear that can soften the blow of the transition from your home to your new transient lifestyle, if you happen to be unfortunate enough to find youself in such a precarious predicament.
1. Eureka Luxury Combo Tent
If you’re fortunate enough to have your family stick around, this is by far one of the best ways to repay them. This bad boy has 3 rooms, 3 doors, sleeps 8-12 people, and most importantly, privacy for intimate moments. These moments will be with yourself, of course, because your wife won’t be “in the mood” until you can get a roof over her head that can’t be slashed with a knife, but at least you can avoid providing emotional scar tissue for your kids.
Buy one here.
2. Texsport Deluxe Camp Shower/Shelter Combo
Just because you’re forced to live like a hobo doesn’t mean that you always have to smell like one, and just because you’re in a camp with a shit-ton of other unfortunate souls doesn’t mean you need to stand around in front of them spraying yourself with a hose like the poor sap in the tent next to you. This deluxe shower/shelter combo is rust proof, includes a 5-gallon camp shower, and a carry-bag, all with a combined weight of about 21 pounds.
Buy one here.
3. The Original Kamp Rite Oversized Tent Cot
It’s more than likely your significant others are going to be at their mother’s house or at a friend’s house instead of enjoying the good ol’ outdoors with you. So, for the man that’s on the go and forced to go solo, the Tent Cot might be a good fit. It’s easy to use, comes assembled, and keeps you about a foot off the ground when you’re sleeping so you don’t have to worry about a snake or other ground-dwelling rodents inviting themselves into your sleeping bag. If you happen to run into a camp-lady and things get steamy, you might need to take it to her tent because I doubt this thing could support two depressed adults trying to madly hump away their hatred of The Man.
Buy one here.
4. The Roper Mobile Duros Tablet PC
You don’t want to use the “computer centers” that these camps are setting up for two reasons.
1. You don’t want to have to wait in line to use the computers while some asshole in front of you is just using his minutes to check out more pictures of fucking cats with misspelled words on them.
2. It’s awkward looking at internet porn in a community computer room. (Again, probably because you’re going to be alone and lonely.)
To alleviate this problem, the Duros 8404 Ruggedized Tablet PC is tough, functional, and has all the camping features you could want like GPS and whatnot. Perfect for working on your resume or sending anonymous threatening e-mails to your former employer.
5. Tool Logic Survival Card With Fire Starter
Here’s hoping your time spent in foreclosure is short-lived. Until that time, this card will hold you over. Since none of your credit cards mean shit anymore, you can dump ’em and put this in their place. It has a magnesium alloy fire starter, a loud signal (rape) whistle, plus a brilliant red LED flashlight. There’s also a tweezer and toothpick and a hole for lanyard attachment. Most importantly, it has a palm-sized stainless steel blade in case you need to sneak into the next guy’s tent to steal shit, or in case you have to shank the guy trying to break into your tent to steal your shit because, let’s face it, everyone around you is probably just as desperate as you are.
But it here.
Best of luck, seriously, this housing situation is fucked up.