Another Awesome Essay

4 02 2009


Click to enlarge…

Don’t Kill Tony Jaa’s Elephant

29 01 2009

…or he will find new ways to break every fucking bone in your body…

Thanks to Gelo…who also breaks bones (and hearts) without mercy.

Badass Craigslist Personal

26 01 2009

Posted to Craig’s List Personals:
To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)

Date: 2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST

I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend.
 You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize.
I didn’t expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening and it wasn’t that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?

 It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it? I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown stinking sludge flopping about in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.
I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA’s office with it. Oh well.
So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I’d like to make it up to you.  I’m sure you’ve already washed your pants, so I’d like to help you out. I’d like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use and was it liquid or powder? I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.

If you read this message, email me and we’ll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

– Alex


Don’t Fuck With The New POTUS

20 01 2009

Have you ever wondered…what the fuck are all those SUVs doing driving around the Presidential limo?  Who’s in them?  Well, the answer for one of vehicles, the Yukon XL,  has been answered.  It’s a security vehicle and it has only one passenger, Change…in gun form.

Meet the Dillon M134D Gatling Gun, a six barreled, electrically driven machine gun chambered in 7.62mm, capable of firing 4,000 rounds per minute!!! GET SOME!!!WHOOOO!!!

*changes pants*

Kick Axe Is Kick Ass

14 01 2009


For axe-murdering on the go!  From Gerber Gear:

“Using our knowledge and long history of designing and manufacturing folding knives, Gerber brings the KICK Axe to life. Employing innovative, reliable and strong locking mechanisms, the design of the KICK Axe is sure to compliment any outdoor activity. Our line of axes provide the perfect combination of durability, balance and light weight. As with any knife or axe, always be careful when opening or deploying the axe head. Ensure both the axe head and handle locks are secured before use.”

You have to wait until July 2009 to get one. 

Via Uncrate.

The Top 1 Walking To Music Movie Scenes

14 01 2009

There’s no need for a full list.  This clip takes the cake.  The things I would do to have someone follow me around and play this song while I walk around…

For your grandmotherrrr.

The original video for Ram Jam’s Black Betty… because this song/video kicks ass:

Simpsons Duet. One Piano.

2 01 2009